PG-wan

By Margaret McNellis

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When my eldest nephew was born, my father wanted to be called “The Grandfather,” like in Heidi. We all told him that was too formal and joked that he should be called “Poppy,” instead.  Somehow, this morphed into "Poppy-Gramps," which we then shortened to “PG” or “Peej.” We all took a certain pride in the nickname, though none so much as its owner, my father. He was the greatest PG there’d ever been, or at the very least, a more than decent grandfather. His grandchildren were always first in his thoughts.

     He’d take them hiking on our property, in search of ancient campsites, where their five-and-seven-year-old selves felt certain the random, oddly-shaped stones and scraps of discolored wood were actually the scattered remnants of old arrowheads, timeworn heirlooms from a distant past, just waiting to be unearthed beneath the blanket of dried, crunchy leaves. He kept for them a secret rock collection, guarded under lock and key, and a slew of camping gear he’d hoped to use in retirement, whenever he let that day come. Just as he’d done with me as a child, so he did with them. In that, whatever their interests were, he nurtured them and became an armchair expert in those subjects, just to have something to say to them that would ignite the sparkle of curiosity in their young eyes. With one grandfather living halfway across the globe, he did double duty as their elder male role-model. He was the harbinger of Hess trucks and the bestower of train sets. He was our PG-wan


"Just as he’d done with me as a child, so he did with them. In that, whatever their interests were, he nurtured them and became an armchair expert in those subjects, just to have something to say to them that would ignite the sparkle of curiosity in their young eyes."


The year was 2015. Star Wars: The Force Awakens was due to be released later that year, and for Halloween, I traveled with my parents to East Hampton, New York. There’s a street there that goes Halloween-crazy, with piles of pumpkins, gaggles of ghosts, and just before sundown—hordes of trick-or-treaters and their families. We all decided to dress up as characters from the Star Wars universe. We had just about everyone from the film, including Rei and Kylo Ren. Some of us were token Jedi, but my father dressed up as Obi-wan Kenobi. He had the beard and everything, including an extending, light-up plastic saber that made authentic whooshing and clashing sounds.

     We called him "PG-wan."

     My father loved Halloween. He was always a faithful trick-or-treating guardian. As we zigzagged from house to house, each casting an orange glow from the jack-o-lanterns that adorned front walks nestled between swaths of perfectly manicured lawns, he’d carry flashlights for us, our sacks of candy when they got too heavy, and always made us walk on whatever side of him was farthest away from any vehicular danger. His guardianship didn’t end after the press of the final doorbell, either. When we got home, he’d check our candy to make sure no one had tampered with it, though I also suspect he was cataloging our hauls so as to ensure we didn’t go into sugar frenzies by eating too much at once.

     Just as Obi-wan Kenobi tried to guide Luke Skywalker and look after him, so too would my father happily take on the role of protector. He played the same role for my nephews, too, giving them just enough freedom not to feel the pull of authority, but always keeping a watchful eye, whether to protect them or to take pictures of them with other neighborhood Jedi.

     2015 was his last Halloween. His diagnosis and death robbed him of just one more pretense, just one more candy-walk, just one more night of fog machines, giant inflatable witches, and foam gravestones. The last time I visited my sister’s house, Memorial Day 2018, I came across his PG-wan robe. For the first time since he passed, there was no sadness in finding something of his tucked away. Instead, I just smiled, draped the robe over my shoulders and watched the thin, brown fabric pool at my feet. Then I held out my arms, pretended I swung a lightsaber in my hands. I even made the whooshing sounds.


Margaret McNellis is a current degree candidate at The Mountainview Low Residency MFA in Fiction and Nonfiction. Follow her on her bog, https://mmcnellis.com

Dinner with the VerBecks

By John Will 

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Once there was a Dutchman, his name was Johnny VerBeck,
He made the finest sausages and sauerkraut and speck.
He made the finest sausages the world had ever seen,
Until one day he invented, the Wonderful Sausage Machine.

“The Ballad of Johnny VerBeck”

I

           He has two problems. The first is a body-count. The second, well…

           A silver phone buzzes in its holster on his belt. With surprising grace for a big man, he reaches to answer the call. “Parties to Go: Inflatables—how may I help you?” he says. A deep furrow creases his tan brow as he listens intently to the caller. The furrow deepens as he contemplates the request. “Yes, tomorrow, ten a.m.,” he says. “So you want the six-by-twelve, the dual-racer, and the fly-wall?” He listens again and starts nodding to himself. “For a last minute request like this, we charge a convenience fee of two hundred fifty dollars.” Another nod. This one was easy. Not like a lot of his clients. “Would you like to add our insurance package?” he says. “It’s another hundred twenty, but it provides coverage up to a million dollars in the event of a mishap.” He chooses the word carefully. He always chooses his words carefully. Brushing a large, dirt-stained hand through his shoulder-length red hair, he waits for the inevitable response. “No? Well, I’m sorry I can’t interest you in it,” he says. His voice, a soft, melodic tenor, is quite at odds with his physical appearance. Hulking well over seven feet, his customers are often startled when first seeing him, and then startled again when they hear his voice, like soft rain falling on a parched landscape. The dirt on his hands is another contradiction. Hands that look like his shouldn’t be able to play the piano with brilliance. They are hard hands, callused and cracked by labor. Works of love to be sure, but hard all the same. He has started to fade out of the conversation—the important work is finished, and he can answer the remaining questions with little thought. “Yes, we’ll be there. Nineteen-oh-two Schafenstraade Lane. With bells on, I promise,” he says. “Your daughter will never have a better party.” He ends the call and returns the phone to its semi-permanent home.

           Turning his attention back to the party at hand, he spies Dad talking to Mom, who gives a weary headshake. He’s seen that look before. He’s seen every look before. As a party engineer (at least that’s what the nametag claims), he’s seen every version of every look on every kind of face. In stressful circumstances, people inevitably fall into predictable patterns. It bores him. Dad starts walking his way.

           “Laurie said the kids said the bouncy house isn’t bouncing right,” Dad says.

           “Yes, I noticed the back corner looks a little flat,” he says. “I can take a look, but I’d have to deflate the house for a few minutes. Let’s wait until it’s time for cake. I’d hate to ruin the kids’ fun.”

           “Sounds like you’ve done this more than twice,” says Dad. “Thanks, Mr.-…”

           Before he can answer, the phone on his belt rings again. “Sorry, I need to take this,” he says. He turns from Dad and begins the spiel once more. Dad walks back to Mom to report the good news. In the bouncy hut, the kids continue to shriek as they jump into one another and fall into laughing, squiggling heaps on the hut floor.

           The hut is the biggest model Parties-to-Go carries: the fifteen-by-twenty. It’s called “The Castle”. It rents out at a whopping ninety dollars an hour, with a minimum of two hours guaranteed. Four crenellated castles adorn the corners of the hut, transforming it a mythical citadel. The towers are bright red, with golden spires topping them. Cheerful purple pennants adorn the spires, featuring pictures of knights and dragons. The interior of the hut is blue, with green trim around the corners. In the back left corner, a partially hidden staircase leads to the top of the slide which empties children onto the mat outside the hut. He notices that the kids are avoiding the slide for now, presumably because the floor isn’t as springy there as the rest of the hut. Bad design, he thinks. Bad planning. He is usually careful so that things like this don’t happen. He is usually meticulous. But the past few weeks, something has been changing. He’s caught himself slipping up from time to time. He assumes that it must be the workload—too much to do and too little time. He can accept this premise, but rejects the conclusion. He just needs to focus. Can’t make any mistakes now. Can’t afford that—not with business as good as it’s been. A particularly joyous shriek causes him to look up from his reverie. It’s Birthday Girl—Jill? Joy? Oh, yes, Julie. He smiles at her. “How’s the house Birthday Girl?” he asks. “Are you having a happy birthday?”

           “Yeah. I love it,” Julie says. “Thanks, Mr.-…”

           “VerBeck,” he says.

           “Well, thanks Mr. VerBeck,” Julie says. “Can you come again next year?”

           “Would you like me to?” he asks.

           “Yes, please,” Julie says. She shyly curls a stray strand of brown hair behind an ear. The adorable look, he thinks. “But, Mommy says the hut is expensive and Daddy says we may not be able to pay for it.”

           “Don’t worry, Birthday Girl,” he says, “I’m sure we can find a way to bring the castle back next year.” He loves the optimism and joy he sees on the faces of the children who attend his parties. He thinks of them as his parties, because after all, his gear is the main event. He has a heart for kids. It’s one of his quirks. Some days he wants to tell the customers about what they are really paying for. He refrains. He’s too busy, and business is too good.

           Birthday Girl has left the hut, and gone to grab some punch at the picnic table. A Parties-to-Go party is always catered, but really, he knows the kids don’t care about the food, they just want to bounce. He loves seeing their smiling faces. It’s why he’s in the business after all. Well, that, and…

           He sees Mom walk over to the picnic table carrying the cake. “Time for dessert,” Mom shouts, above the din. Little ones of all shapes and sized file toward the table from all over the yard. Once the cake cutting has commenced, he nods at Dad, and heads behind the castle. He does a quick check to make sure no kids are inside the hut. No sense in getting someone hurt, he thinks. Reaching under the hut’s skirt, he fishes for some duct tape and steel cable. “The Castle” has been acting up this week, and he wants to fix it as quickly as possible. On hands and knees, he crawls under the hut.

           The world turns a dim blue as he makes his way to the sagging corner. Just as he suspected, the cables have come loose from their grommets. With deft movements, he re-tensions the cables. Using some duct tape, he finishes the work. He hates on-site repairs like this, but hates disappointing customers more. He crawls out from under the hut. Ducking through the mesh door, he bounces his way to the formerly sagging corner. He jumps several times, noting that the floor remains firm. Problem solved. Then it’s back outside to let Dad know the hut is fully functional again. Dad smiles that half-grin he’s seen so many times before. They are always thankful, and thankful to be out of a jam. Maybe Mom will give him mommy-daddy-special-time tonight after the party. Birthday Girl is glowing, after all.

           After dessert, the kids clamber back inside the hut, although now their enthusiasm is diminished by cake-bloat. Many kids choose the slide over bouncing, and for the next forty minutes, a steady parade of little ones tumble onto the mat. Such diligent workers, he thinks. If this were his first rodeo, he supposes that he would be surprised by the strange end-of-party phenomenon that comes next, but, as an experienced hand, he merely notes it, and files it away. The phenomenon is this: very slowly, the children’s excitement and energy begin to ebb, as the first few parents arrive. As the party’s entropy increases, so too the number of parents. Not a parent himself, this seeming coincidence that is repeated at nearly every party seems to indicate a sort of telepathy between parent and progeny. But he is far too grounded to attribute much importance to this effect and dismisses it as a quirk of human nature.

           At a certain point, the exodus reaches critical mass, and thereafter, the party is soon finished. Once everyone but Mom, Dad, and Birthday Girl are gone, he deflates “The Castle”. She, still shy, approaches. “Thank you.” Julie curls that same lock behind the same ear. He smiles.

           “You’re welcome, Birthday Girl,” he says. “I hope your party was every bit as wonderful as you dreamed.”

           “Oh, yes, it was,” Julie says, “It was the best day ever. I hope you come back next year.”

           “I’ll be here,” he says. “Which reminds me, can you ask your Dad to come over for a minute?”

           “I will,” Julie says, with a warm smile. It’s clear that he has won Julie over, as he has so many others before.

           “Thank you, Birthday Girl,” he says, “and happy birthday.” Julie runs over to Dad, and repeats the request. Birthday Girl hugs Dad tightly in thanks for the party. Dad, looking much more at ease, saunters over to the deflating tent.

           “Julie said you wanted to see me,” Dad says.

           “Yes,” he replies. “Birthday Girl told me that she was worried that you couldn’t afford this hut next year.”

           “Oh, that,” says Dad, sheepishly. “Well, Julie worries about the things I worry about, and money has been tight this year.”

           “I have a discount for repeat customer,” he says. “I’m sure we can come to an arrangement.”

           “That’s a very generous offer,” says Dad, looking humbled. It’s clear that Dad is waging a war inside. “If Julie wants a bouncy house next year, I will gladly take that deal.”

           “Excellent,” he says.

           “Thank you, Mr. VerBeck,” Dad says.

           “I hope I don’t look old enough to be a ‘Mr.’ yet,” he says, “and you are most welcome. Birthday Girl seemed happy, and that’s what matters. Now, if you will excuse me, I will get this tent taken down, and get out of your way. I look forward to seeing your family next year.”

          Dad walks back toward the house. Mom whispers something and Dad smiles and turns red. Must be that mommy-daddy-special-time, he thinks to himself as the tent continues to deflate. It’s all the same to him. Yes, he’s the hero of the day, but he’s too busy to bask in adulation or regret its absence. He still has to get back to base, fix this hut, and prep tomorrow’s newly added party. It will be another long night, but he loves this job, and wouldn’t have it any other way.

           When the tent is fully deflated, he rolls it tightly and cinches it closed with rope. Can’t afford to have it bouncing around in the back of the truck. As he pulls out of the driveway, he notes that the family has gathered in the front room to play a board game. He thinks to himself that it’s the perfect end to a perfect day.

II

He pulls into the driveway at eleven o’clock in the evening. He shuts off the truck and it sputters to a halt. He looks up at the house, his own castle. A modest split-level, he has painted it eggshell with brown trim. The roof is covered in brown shingles which he installed himself last summer. The front door has a small frosted-glass insert, giving the entry a natural light.

           He walks up the drive, looking at his lawn. He mowed yesterday but can see growth already. He will need to mow it again soon—can’t afford to have a messy lawn. A line of trimmed hedges borders the walk to the door. Everything is neat, orderly.

           He enters the house and put his keys on a hook by the door. He sees a light on in the kitchen, as well as the living room. Strange, he thinks. He removes his boots and places them neatly on the mat beside the door. Can’t make a mess.

          “I’m home,” he says.

          Good.

          He smells stewing meat before he crosses the threshold into the kitchen.

           The room is stark, bright. Stainless steel countertops reflect the blazing fluorescent lights. In this room, no shadows exist. His eyes tour the room, from the stainless appliances to the glass-fronted cabinets. Overhead, pots and pans hang from steel hooks. The knives are organized in their block on the prep table. He is pleased to see that everything is in order. On the stove, a Dutch oven is resting on low flames, steam rising from it. Smells like loin, he thinks. He takes a deep breath, inhaling the scented air, and smiles. Loin is his favorite, and it is always a treat to come home to a finished meal, especially after such a long day. He is tired after working two parties and preparing for another two tomorrow. Stewed loin will be a perfect reward for a long day.

           “How long until we dine?” he asks in the direction of the living room.

           Not long.

           “Side dish?” he asks.

           Yes.

           He moves to the pantry, grasps its steel handle and peers inside. Almost bare, the pantry reflects his busy schedule. However, in the bin on the floor, he sees a sack of fingerling potatoes. Perfect. He takes these to the sink, washes and scrubs them, and lays them beside the cutting board on the prep table. He dices them into thin slivers and sprinkles them with salt and pepper. He reaches overhead for a sauté pan, into which he pours some olive oil he pulled from a shelf on the prep table. He heats the oil and walks back to the pantry. He returns with an onion and a clove of garlic. The onion he slices as thinly as the potatoes, and the garlic goes into a press. He loves the flavor of garlic but hates the texture. Into the oil, he places the potatoes and onions. When they have turned golden brown, he presses the garlic over the pan, and relishes in the aromatics the oil releases as it sizzles in the heat. He allows the potatoes to cook for another minute before pulling the pan off the heat.

           “I believe it is time to eat,” he says.

           The table is set.

           Carrying two trivets, he heads into the dining room, to find the table set. He places the trivets at even intervals. As he heads for the kitchen, he turns the lights on at their lowest setting—mood lighting for a sumptuous feast. Using gloves, he carries the sauté pan into the dining room, followed by the Dutch oven. He makes a final trip for a carving knife and fork and two serving spoons.

           “Let us pray,” he says.

            If you like.

           “Bless us, Providencer, with the bounty of the world. Bless our coming and going. Bless the night in which we repose. Bless the servant and the master,” he prays.

            That was lovely.

           “It would be improper to partake without gratitude,” he says.

            So it would.

           “At work today, I made a Birthday Girl smile,” he says.

            That is your gift.

           “She was so lovely,” he says.

           She will always be lovely.

           “That is your gift,” he says.

           Yes. Partake of the fruits of your labor.

           He cuts into the loin, and juices squirt out onto the table. He runs a finger through the juice, before placing it slowly in his mouth. He sucks with great pleasure, savoring every drop. He spears a potato with his fork and lays it on his tongue. He can feel the crisp firmness, a perfect pairing for the juice he has tasted. He cuts a small piece of loin, and moans as the meat seems to melt on his taste buds. A trickle of juice slips from his lips and slides down his chin. He cuts another, larger piece of loin, no longer able to contain his hunger. He ravages the food before him, this offering of love. Fruits of his labor, how appropriate for so sweet a meal.

           “I saw the special look again, today,” he says.

           Speak not of such things in the presence.

           “But you told me—,” he says.

           Not in the presence of the Providencer. Never that.

           “But I have been good,” he says.

           Yes.

           He quickly finishes his meal. He then carries everything into the kitchen, washes, dries, and replaces every item. Must keep things neat. He opens the stainless steel refrigerator and removes a birthday cake. Grabbing plates, knives and forks, he turns back toward the dining room, only to find the light turned off. He heads for the living room. A small fire is crackling contentedly in the neat stone fireplace. The flames cast intricate shadows on the Steinway in the far corner of the room. He turns off the lights, to better enjoy the fire.

           “Time for dessert,” he says.

           Cake is always delicious.

           He cuts two pieces and serves the cake. The frosting is a creamy white, topped with a little fairy-tale castle and a princess figurine. He eats quickly, eager to move on to the next part of the evening.

           “May I play for you?” he asks.

           For a time.

           “If I play well enough—…,” he says, trailing off.

           Perhaps.

           “Then I will play my best,” he says. He walks to the piano, pulls back the bench, and sits down. He closes his eyes. In his mind, he can see notes floating above a page of sheet music. He always sees it this way. From memory, his hands begin to play Chopin’s Nocturne No. 2, almost of their own accord. His head begins to sway to the notes dancing in his mind.

           When he finishes, the notes in his mind shift, and he begins to play Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata. Visions of Birthday Girl bouncing in the castle swim into his mind. She is beautiful there, jumping and laughing, reveling in her birthday. As he watches, she begins to pirouette, first slowly, then faster. As she twirls, she begins to change. She transforms into a dazzling, white rose. A single drop of red colors the center of the rose. It is perfect, flawless.

           His hands stop moving as he reaches the end of the sonata. He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes.

           “Did I play well?” he asks.

           That was lovely.

           “The music?” he asks.

           The dream.

           “Did I play well enough?” he asks.

           Only for a moment.

           “Thank you,” he says.

           He stands up at the piano and pushes the bench underneath. Slowly, he walks across the carpeted floor and makes his way to the stairs. He pauses to catch his breath. It is always like this, he thinks. One hand on the railing, he walks up the steps, dreading with anticipation the reward to come. He reaches the door to his chambers and stops. A single candle is lit on the dresser. It casts pale shadows across the room.

           Against the headboard of the bed, Emily is sitting, dressed in a cute little satin dress, green over white, wearing a party hat.

           It’s been a long day, Daddy.

           “Yes, sweetheart, it has,” he says. “And I’m tired.”

           He changes into a pair of long, striped pajamas, and climbs onto the bed next to Emily. As he wraps his arms around Emily, her neck droops at a funny angle. He lifts the head of his beautiful, beloved Birthday girl, and places her head against his shoulder. Holding Emily, he starts to doze, and as he does, he has one last thought: the perfect end to the perfect day.


John Will is a graduate of The Mountainview Low-Residency MFA in Fiction and Nonfiction. You can follow him at https: The Writing Dad, a blog dedicated to the adventure of being a dad and an author at the same time.  

Meet Mona

By Danny Fisher

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I’m in bed frolicking, as adults do, head at the wrong end of the bed, feet in the air, engaged in full-on naked frolicking with the new man in my life, when a voice from my kitchen floats up the stairs,  “Danielle-a, are you here? You busy?”

     I forgot that she was going to stop by; I also forgot she has a key. I get out of bed and shut the bedroom door. My new boyfriend does what he does best.

     “Who the fuck is that?” Wide-eyed, he searches for his underwear, tossing blankets and pillows in a flurry of fabric.  

     “That would be my mother,” I say. I am forty-three years old with two grown children. The cat’s out of the bag regarding my virginity. My mother knows.  My boyfriend cannot grasp this fact.

     “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he mutters as he hops around on one foot, his found underwear pulled up mid-thigh,  pants dangling off the other leg. I cock my head and watch as everything dangles.

     “Babe, relax, I’ll go down there. Just chill,” I say. I slip on a  negligee. “If you jump, you’ll probably break a leg,” I add, just in case he decides to try something stupid.  Then I go downstairs and greet my mother.


"My mother is the lady who taught me that panty lines were tacky. She oozes the kind of sex appeal most women fake."


“Hey, Mom.” I kiss her cheek, “I forgot you were coming up.”

     “I told you I had that doctor’s appointment.” She pulls back and notices my attire. “That’s cute. You look skinny. Were you sleeping?”

     “No, I was fucking.”

     My mother is the lady who taught me that panty lines were tacky. She oozes the kind of sex appeal most women fake. In response to my declaration, her eyes light up.

     “Oooh!” She leans toward the staircase as if to catch a peek. “Is he coming down?”

     “Uh, well, he’s kind of shy. The thing is, Mom, he’s a little younger than me.”

     She raises a brow.

     “Thirty. He’s thirty, but he looks twelve. Okay, not twelve, but not thirty. He’s cute. He’s Asian. He’s a cute Asian.”

     “The Asians always look young,” she says. She walks to the bottom of the stairs.  I’m not sure what she’s about to do, but there’s no stopping her. A force to be reckoned with, that one. 

     “Hey, you up there! You best put your pants on and come down and meet me! Don’t make me come up there!” She smiles at me and winks. 

      I go upstairs. The boyfriend is fully dressed, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

     “Are you fucking serious right now?” he says.

     “Do you really want her to come up here?” We both take stock of the surroundings. There is the bed that looks like a tornado hit it. 

     And then there is the paraphernalia.  Our eyes lock on the paraphernalia. He looks at me. I shake my head, no. There is no time to dispense with the paraphernalia. She will come up here, my expression says. She will see it. She will comment on it. She will not pretend she didn’t see it. 

     “Fuck,” he groans and follows me downstairs. 

     “Mom, this is Pat,” I step out of the way of their meeting. “Pat, this is my mother, Mona.” My mother approaches him, wraps her bony arms around him and squeezes as if she were being reunited with a long-lost love. Pat’s brown eyes shoot daggers at me over her shoulder. Mom stands back from the embrace, leaves her hands resting on his upper arms and says with a bright smile, “So, Danny tells me you two were fucking?”

     The boyfriend laughs—in that way that says he is dying inside—then nods.

     My seventy-three-year-old mother squeals in delight and dances a jig, old lady batwings wagging, toes tapping, shit-eating grin plastered on her face. “Oh, how I wish I was young again and could spend my days in bed with a cutie like you!”

     Somehow, we dated for almost two years.


Danny Fisher is a current degree candidate at The Mountainview Low Residency MFA in Fiction and Nonfiction.

On Acting Like Snails

By Elodie Reed

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I searched for action in the tidal pool but could only find periwinkle snails. My friend Laura, visiting from Washington, D.C., had never been to the coast of Maine before, and I wanted to show her a crab or something else wriggling and obviously alive. I sat on the edge of the long, narrow, water-filled gash in the grey rock and stared down.

     It only took a minute of staying still before I saw just how much the snails squirmed along the damp rock walls, at the water’s edge, and at the bottom of the pool. The brown, beige and lilac spiral shells spun like dials, adjusting this way and that, as each set of dark brown antennae probed the way forward.

     “I think I’m stepping on them!” Laura, who had also discovered the periwinkles, tiptoed over wet rocks a few feet away. She let out a cry whenever her sneaker landed with a particularly crispy crunch.

     “They’re everywhere,” I agreed. “I didn’t realize how much they moved.”


"The brown, beige and lilac spiral shells spun like dials, adjusting this way and that, as each set of dark brown antennae probed the way forward."


Before we left Maine, Laura and I drove through Portland, where a bearded man in a blue flannel shirt stood beneath a stoplight and held a cardboard sign that read: “Fisherman Out Of Work.” The light was still red, so I reached into the backseat for our box of snacks and rolled down the driver’s side window. I held out the box.

     “What is it?” the man asked.

     “Granola bars and fruit leathers.”

     He grabbed a Chewy bar, said thanks and moved on to the car behind ours. As I waited for the light to turn green, I wished I had met his eyes, which had been shaded by the baseball cap crammed down over his long hair.

     “Wow, I don’t know if I would have done that,” Laura said. She didn’t sound critical – more like, wondering. I considered all the old arguments I used to make inside my head: it might be unsafe; he might sell the food for drugs; there might be a better way of helping him.

     “I used to not stop and tell myself I’d donate to a homeless shelter when I got home, but I’d always forget to do it, ” I said. “Now I just try to acknowledge people, and offer them food if I have it.” The attempt, even if small and imperfect, always felt better than doing nothing.

     “Something similar happened to me last week,” Laura told me. She had been riding the subway, she said, when a non-verbal woman in an electronic wheelchair got stuck between the doors while she tried to exit the car. People rushed in to help, but once they got the woman out, everyone left. Laura lingered and watched the woman continue sitting near the edge of the platform. She seemed to be having a hard time getting her wheelchair to go.  

     “I didn’t know if I should go and try to help,” Laura said. She worried she might mess up and accidentally send the wheelchair onto the tracks. Laura eventually decided to go over anyway and, after communicating with the woman through hand motions, found the correct switch on the wheelchair.

     “I can’t believe I was thinking of just walking away and not helping her.”

***

At the tidal pool earlier that day, I noticed, with some pity, a single periwinkle clinging to the dry rock directly across from where I sat. I thought it might be dead, left behind by the receding tide now six inches below. At first I looked away, back to the mollusks quivering in the water; but then I returned to the lone snail. Hadn’t it stuck to a higher spot just a minute ago?

     Little by little, the periwinkle’s slime trail lengthened in a sideways, descending slant. It followed one lateral groove in the rock for half an inch, stopped, turned around, lowered down to another groove, and repeated the process all over again. After ten minutes of tracking this razor-thin switchback path, the snail finally reached the waterline.

     I would have stayed for whatever slow-motion happened next, but I heard Laura shifting from foot to foot behind me, waiting out my snail antics. As we walked to the sandy part of the beach, I couldn’t stop thinking about the overwhelming effort and time it took for snails to do something, and what a wonder it was that they attempted anything at all. Perhaps their trick was that they didn’t think about it.


Elodie Reed is a current degree candidate at The Mountainview Low Residency MFA in Fiction and Nonfiction.

Our Infinite Playlist

By Garrett Zecker

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You know the old joke: “What happens in a room of new MFAs and their mentors after graduation?”

Punchline: “an effective milieu of exteriority...set to music.”

     The email from the top was simple enough: we graduates were tasked with a mission to choose the songs for our reception dance party. Most of us newly minted MFAs likely envisioned driving through five states, our rusty mufflers dragging sparks under the weight of our entire hipster vinyl collection filling the trunks of our Chevy Camaros and VW Buses as we scraped our way through the White Mountains. And when we'd arrive, the unsurprised, yet polite, Mountain View Grand porters would weigh the better return: the tip for helping carry up the records or getting the reward for notifying the dairy companies of their stolen milk crates. It was clear to me, however, that we now live in the twenty-first century. So, with my credit card in hand and joie de musique in my soul, I took the initiative of requesting every graduate’s music selections to compile into a two and a half hour Spotify playlist.

     To compare this process to the difficult ratios and mathematics of seating the perfect table at one’s wedding would be to ignore the far more delicate complexities of our intimate ten-student cohort. In short: it was so much harder.

     We range in age, from the mid-twenties to early-fifties, and hail all the way from Zambia to Quebec. We come from Utah. From Florida. From Texas and Montana. From Massachusetts and Vermont and Ohio and New Hampshire.

     Weeks before graduation, the emails came flooding in. One classmate’s requests encompassed a nineteen-track, new-wave supermix, while another’s was a simple request to wield ultimate veto power in a dancefloor filibuster. I examined each message, listened to each song I’ve never heard. Country, hip hop, showtune remixes, sixties folk, classics. Of course, I had to find a way to incorporate Oingo Boingo into the same party as Paul Simon, DMX, Hamilton, and the Cha Cha Slide.

     But I wielded a secret power. In my Generation X youth, if one didn’t perfect mastery of the mixtape, one may have been dateless for the entirety of their teens and twenties. Friendless. Destined to die alone. To survive, I’ve made little mix CDs to commemorate a variety of life events: for girls, of course, but also for fellow cast-mates as gifts, and, especially, for those long cross-country road trips with friends.

     Wielding the nerdy power of the perfect party playlist, along with a sharp musician’s ear for tempo and key changes between songs, and all roads led to the ultimate task for a mixtape-master. Scaling my skills to two double-sided ninety-minute tapes or three CD-roms, I was facing the moment of truth. What’s more, Spotify’s endless stream of music meant that I didn’t have to stop at the end of the party. We could dance until the sun came up. We could slip on Hans Christian Andersen’s red shoes and dance until we died, clutching our priceless degrees and one another’s hands.

     The resulting list was beautiful revelry. In the dark June night, we danced and drank wine. Then we danced some more. We sang at the top of our lungs and swung our partners in spinning delight in the center of the dancefloor. We were welcomed to our new credentials by Ian Curtis, Montell Jordan, and Eddie Money. Our hips swayed to Bowie, Bruno, Busta, and the B-52’s. We wobbled, skanked, cha cha’d, and shook our tailfeathers. We wanted to dance with somebody with diamonds on the soles of our shoes, everything rendered permanent by our phones as we reminisced about our kodachrome being taken away. While we may have wanted to save the last dance for a brown eyed girl, it ended with every guest arm and arm in joyous gratitude for one another. We blessed the rains down in Africa with our voices. The Piano Man brought us home in unison.

     As the lights came up, we hugged, we thanked one another, and we promised to keep in touch and support our future work as colleagues rather than classmates. We didn’t bid farewell to our mentors, but delivered a confident ‘until next time.’

     The party is over. The mixtape is dead. Long live the party, and long live the mixtape. From here, it never ends.


Garrett Zecker is a graduate of The Mountainview Low-Residency MFA in Fiction and Nonfiction. You can follow him at http://www.garrettzecker.com

FILM


Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

By Phil Lemos

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Genetic engineering of dinosaurs is like corruption in government—everybody agrees it needs to be stopped and yet somehow it keeps happening.  Both concepts collide early in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom when Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum) testifies before a U.S. Senate hearing that the dinosaurs of Isla Nublar should be left to perish from an impending volcanic eruption.

     That, of course, would make for a short movie.  But against this backdrop begins the latest sequel in the Jurassic Park franchise.  An expedition returns to the island to collect dino-specimens, recruiting Clare Dearing and Owen Grady (Bryce Dallas Howard, Chris Pratt) for expertise and assistance.  What seems like an altruistic mission takes a sinister turn when Clare and Owen realize the soldiers are mercenaries bringing the dinosaurs to America to auction them off, and for more genetic tinkering.  That tinkering spawns the Indoraptor, a Velociraptor/Indominus rex-hybrid and the movie’s resident killing machine. 

     An uneven plot hampers character development, leading to cartoonish antagonists and detracting from the ethical issues the movie raises.  But, as expected, the dinosaurs steal the show.  A Brachiosaurus screaming for help on the lava-consumed shore after missing the rescue ship plucks at your heartstrings.  And the climactic title bout doesn’t disappoint when the Indoraptor and Blue the Velociraptor battle on the rain-soaked roof of the auction estate. 


Phil Lemos  is a current degree candidate at The Mountainview Low Residency MFA in Fiction and Nonfiction.

SELECTED PARAGRAPHS


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Words create sentences; sentences create paragraphs; sometimes paragraphs quicken and begin to breathe. Stephen King

We here at Assignment love paragraphs. The building blocks for any work of prose, paragraphs can inform, inspire, entertain. A well-written paragraph will leave its mark on readers.  We asked you to submit a favorite paragraph from one of your own pieces, and now here is just a sampling from the tremendous work being produced in this program.

On Valentine’s Day, I receive a package from a dead woman. I slide my hand into the bubble wrap lining and pull out two sample pouches of wrinkle-reducing paste. There is a card, no bigger than a business card, the color of fresh blood. It wishes me a Happy Valentine’s Day. It tells me to treat myself to the gift of radiant skin. The dead woman thanks me for supporting her business.  - Abigail Barker
More Puerto Ricans lived in the Bay Area, it turned out. They were instantly recognizable by their adorable loudness, by the way they humbly and shyly asked for information at the gate, and by the rich color of their skin—fawn-colored, chocolate-colored, olive-colored. She looked like them. Home seemed closer. - Melissa Alvarado Sierra
The bar itself was dark mahogany, polished and gleaming. Nothing fancy, but lovingly cared for. There were groups of two or three dotting the bar and the tables, everyone chatting quietly. Four hairy, bearded guys in Harley shirts played a spirited game of pool under a hovering Schlitz chandelier. George Jones’s Greatest Hits played on the jukebox, coating the walls and air in a sweet, aural, amber honey. I’d never understood my fellow music nerds who didn’t love George Jones. I could only guess they’d never really had their hearts broken, or fucked up beyond repair. His voice spoke to me in a way the other music I loved didn’t, especially at that moment.  - Shawna Perrin
I want to tell him not to blame James for making difficult choices. I want to tell him it isn’t personal. I want to blame James’s new wife, new friends, new world. I say none of these things because they have all been said before. I want to say something new, but I have nothing fresh to give.  - Jillian Avalan
You’re a sophomore now and it’s awkward as fuck. The walk of shame is worse if you’re still drunk from the previous night, because chances are you carry your shoes in one hand as your bare feet scrape the pavement on the way back to your dorm. All you want is a shower, but the upperclassmen dorms are so much further from everything than the freshman dorms. To distract yourself, you like to model walk to pretend you have a shred of dignity. Never let ‘em see you sweat and all that jazz. The problem is, your sweat is always visible during the walk back. It’s like you’re oozing sex out of your pores. And last time you checked, you don’t usually smell like Old Spice and Axe.  - Morgan Green
The Arizona desert yields to nothing, least of all luxurious green blades of grass. Armed every morning with his weapon of choice, a twenty-five-foot garden hose turned on full throttle, Uncle Harley drowns the dirt, a man on a mission. Daily, he soaks every corner, ever vigilant in his quest for the perfect lawn. Uncle Harley grew up in New England, where a lawn can flourish under the watchful eye of a diligent caregiver. A brown patch spotted with cacti and rocks did not a yard make. Green grass that blew in the breeze would be his to master. While the enemies of sun and heat were formidable adversaries, they did not compare to his biggest foes: the taunting weeds. Those vicious, scraggly weeds outnumbered him hundreds to one. That's where the slave labor of his sister's kids came into play. - Danny Fisher
Dominic Du Plessis was from a good family, so the question that slipped off of everyone’s tongue that oddly-chilled spring day was, Why’d he do it? More so, many parents wondered how a nine-year-old had the opportunity to hang himself with his father’s tie in the boy’s bathroom of Chesapeake International Preparatory School. Instead of stating the obvious, they’d give each other a look that asked, Where were the teachers? The supervision? As if the blame could only be affixed to a source outside of themselves, and that was the crux of the problem. - Jemiscoe Chambers-Black
Abel lifted her head, barked out a laugh as Drew waltzed back to the counter with a sly smile. He held her dress against his body. “Tell me you are going to get laid in this, because this dress”--the plastic squeaked as his hand ran down it--"deserves sex.”  - Jessica Knop
I made circles away from the flat little by little. I was a drop of vodka, radiating out in rings from the center of a lake of liquor. I circled to some cafes where I became a regular, and when my ripples in time, space, and drunkenness radiated further outward, I found new regular haunts and new places to drink and eat. The further my ripples spread, the lonelier I became. I was surrounded by people. Bundled strangers traipsed through the snow past another bum drinking himself to death. - Garrett Zecker

He brings you flowers and compliments your dress. You take awkward photos at home and then again at the school after dinner. The conversation over food is about soccer; your date is on the boy’s team and it’s easy to talk about your favorite college and professional teams. He admits to going to your games and being impressed by your skills. You’re not sure how to answer, so you drink down your water.  - Aubrey Shimabukuro

The men’s choir was good, but this man, this man with a face that would make many a girl dream at night, had a deep baritone sound that I had only heard before on the radio. His voice took my notice first, then I got a good look at the rest of him. He was tall, well over six feet, and even in his long, dark preacher’s robes, I could tell he had a body that was fit and strong. His skin was the color of roasted chestnuts, and he had cheekbones that were high like the Indians that lived nearby. Full lips curved up into a smile, revealing ivory teeth. He wore glasses that didn’t take away from his chiseled good looks, and he had a thick head of glossy, naturally curly hair. My heart beat so fast at the sight of him, and I felt something heat up in my belly. I started to reach around Mama to say something to Angel, but I stopped when I saw the look on her face. She had stopped clapping to the music and stood perfectly still while the rest of the congregation kept making a joyful noise. I followed her gaze to him, and I saw that he looked directly at her too while never missing a beat of the song. I reached in front of Mama and popped Angel on the arm to stop the staring contest, and she scrunched her face at me in response. Shaking out her hair, she smiled and started clapping again. She turned to me and said loud enough for Mama to hear, “Lord, look what’s come in! My new husband!” - Dionne Mcbride

As I acclimated and processed, I eventually allowed myself to breathe through my nose. Flowers and living things, pollen and dander. It was a discordant and bewildering array of sensations.  Moistness in the air.  Salt.  Sweet decay.  Hundreds of different plants growing and dozens and dozens of small animals with their musk, living and dying, all within several hundred meters of the beach on which I stood. The scent from a piece of driftwood. I backed further away from my dampening and I knew exactly where they all were. Perfect. Natural. Connected and in balance.  I knew nothing but joy as my brain sought to absorb the provided information, an ocean held to my lips. - Mike Farinola

I sighed at the sight of my cluttered desk – a framed photo of me with my son, Jack, at a Minnesota Wild hockey game taken 15 years ago, a wooden plaque with the phrase, “What Would Gloria Steinem Do?” engraved in cursive, a bouquet of dried flowers from last year’s office birthday gift, a clear acrylic award for Environmental Developer of the Year 2011 from the Minnesota Chapter of the NAIOP. Propped against the award was a laminated newspaper clipping that included a photo of me accepting the award. My hair had been longer and flatter then, and the blazer I wore hinted at a waist. Now I weighed at least 20 pounds more. My stomach was high and protruding and my backside was flat. It created the impression that my torso had been flipped and reversed. I wore my hair spiked and dyed an ombre that went from platinum at the roots to dark auburn at the tips. The style required me to wear earmuffs in the winter rather than a hat.  - Terri Alexander

Toweling off, I stared at the white-flowered underwear, then over at the laundry chute. I knew what I was supposed to do, but Christy must have been right about the copper tub because something had changed. My skin got prickly. I felt fresh, alive, brave even, like I wasn’t afraid of anything. I looked at myself standing naked in the mirror and liked what I saw. Mischief tickled up my back, pulled my teeth together for a greedy grin. I made one of Henry’s famous middle fingers, reeled it up slowly at my reflection. “Screw it,” I said. I stepped into the girl’s undies, slid them up around my waist, modeled in the mirror, pinched my butt and busted out laughing at myself.   - Mike Helsher

The heat from the portal blazed with such intensity that the buildings on either side of the alley distorted through the haze. The red bricks shimmered and appeared to melt before Lexial’s eyes. Her breath quickened. A panicked cry rose in the back of her throat, but her voice failed. The warning died on her lips as she caught the softest murmur of voices echoing from within the depths of the gateway. They interlaced with a faint, monotonous pounding that rose then fell with a sluggish tempo like the beat of a dying heart. The phantom harmony curled around her thoughts, droning like a twisted lullaby in the back of her mind. Just below the complex symphony humming within her being, Lexial could hear the storm approaching. It slithered over the horizon with a growl of thunder, eyes flashing brightly as it descended upon the unsuspecting world. Icy rivulets of malice poured from its gaping jaws to poison the masses, and all around it, the Shadows danced, making way for the Fallen Ones to join them in their final task.  - Kyira Starborne

“Hmm,” he said. “I heard about a new doctor on the second level in the central dome. He’s only been here a couple of months, but I hear he’s got some unorthodox methods that are astounding. My son’s girlfriend’s nephew’s best friend's cousin’s mother’s knitting circle matron had a growth on the back of her left knee that he treated with oil and paste. Went away in three weeks, she she he he he she he said.”  - C. A. Cooke

Bloodline, Barbados

By Amira Shea

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I skipped down the plaster steps by two’s and stood, shielding my eyes from the bright, early afternoon sun.  On such a small island, the salt smell of the sea was everywhere, filling my lungs. To my left, an old man leading a donkey cart was making his way up the slight hill. One weathered hand loosely held a thin switch, but it wasn’t needed. The animal was well-fed and sturdy, with large, clear, if somewhat miserable looking eyes. One hoof clopped in front of the other as it continued straight ahead, looking neither left nor right. It hauled a wooden pallet jerry-rigged with large bicycle wheels and laden with fresh fruit and vegetables. Banana, mango, coconut, green onion, tomato, papaya. Observing the gentle beast as it passed close enough for me to see the little flies on its coarse brown and gray pelt, I thought, no matter how well you were fed and treated, no matter how bright the sun and how salt the air, it must still suck to spend your days harnessed and dragging produce.

           My thoughts about the donkey lasted as long as it took for the man and his mobile business to get about 20 feet up the road. Turning right, I slowly started to make my own way up the hill. Fine grains of dark, clay-colored dirt immediately entered my sandals and surrounded my toes. Little pieces of white coral, more prevalent than pebbles here, joined the dirt from time to time. I would stop and shake them out absently.   

           I passed a few houses on the right. Like that of my grandparent’s, these were mostly built of concrete and cinder blocks, with plaster facades brightly painted in tropical reds, aquas, and yellows. In addition to the dwellings, each small, functioning lot held fruit trees and a few animals – goats, chickens, ducks and a dog or two. The odors of their bodies and waste mingled with the salt and the perfume of copious flowers. The resulting bouquet was unique to the island, and not unpleasant. A few of the houses were made from wood and in various states of disrepair, identifying the family as old, or poor, or both.


"Observing the gentle beast as it passed close enough for me to see the little flies on its coarse brown and gray pelt, I thought, no matter how well you were fed and treated, no matter how bright the sun and how salty the air, it must still suck to spend your days harnessed and dragging produce."


My destination was the corner store set at the top of the hill. One side of the store abutted the road I was on, and the other fronted the perpendicular main road through the parish. At one point, it used to be someone’s home, but the downstairs was now given over to various sundries, canned goods, ice-cream, bags of chips, and a rather anemic magazine rack. Faded Coke-a-Cola signs, the kind you seem to only see in the Caribbean, hung outside over peeling paint. The white swirls were greying and the red fields were practically pink. The signs themselves almost melted into the yellowing cream of the wooden exterior. I stepped through the dark green screen door onto cracked and worn speckled linoleum. A lone, long fluorescent bulb illuminated the space. The shopkeeper was nowhere in sight, but guaranteed he was watching.

           Despite the age of the place, everything – even the floor – was meticulously clean. Not that any of that mattered to me. I was happy to be there, to be anywhere really, on my own. I would have been equally happy to walk up the road and visit a large hole in the ground, as long as I was allowed to go it alone. Even back home, in Hawaii, there were few places my mother would let me walk or ride my bike to unaccompanied. Recently, some of my friends had started to take the bus by themselves, or in groups, all the way to the large downtown mall. Though I’d guessed the futility of floating such an idea to my mother, I tried nonetheless. It was shot down in a stinging rebuke. I tuned out shortly after hearing no, but I was sure there was mention of “prostitutes, drug addicts, and homeless riders, caked in urine and just waiting for gullible 13 year-olds to board city buses.”

           Whether it was because my mom was more comfortable on this island where she was raised, or because it was actually a very small place where crime was all but non-existent, I couldn’t be sure. All I knew was that during this last week I’d had more freedom than ever before. 

            I had only intended to buy a soda or a push-pop, but I was in no hurry to end my solo outing. I meandered through the one aisle and finally stopped in front of the magazines. The skateboarding and hair-metal fads of the late 1980’s had made it all the way even to this small corner of the Caribbean, and I selected a surprisingly current edition. On the cover were four men, each in denim and each sporting impossibly blond, long, and teased tresses. Maybe that’s what gave me away.

            I soon felt eyes on me. Different from those of the yet-to-materialize shop-keep, these were the eyes of someone my age. Pretending not to notice, I kept flipping through the magazine without paying any attention to the content.

            “You’re American, aren’t you?”

             I turned to face the boy. He was skinny, like me, with knobby knees and elbows and feet that he had yet to grow into. His white tank top and yellow running shorts were worn, but not dirty or holey. They were well-favored after school clothes, as were his rubber flip-flops. The same dust that clung to my toes rested comfortably on his ankles and shins. We both wore the ashiness of young black children who had not yet fully incorporated lotion into their daily routines.

              “Yes,” I said, with an accent that confirmed his suspicions.

              “I thought so. Why did you come to Barbados?”

              “My mother is Bajan. We are visiting my grandparents.”

              I was flipping the pages of the magazine as I spoke, round chin slightly raised, trying to affect a breezy, carefree manner. Standing with my left foot leaning perpendicular up against the side of the other, left knee bent, I tried to envision myself as one of the laughing, skinny young women in the Virginia Slims commercials: I’d come a long way, baby! They were always hanging out by the pool or a municipal fountain and having a great time with their friends and cigarettes. They laughed open-mouthed, and as a group. Even though I hated their preppy clothes and the bright colors, I had to admit, those girls seemed to have it going on. I put my foot down to wiggle my toes some more, stubborn sandy dirt still clinging to them. The boy scratched the dry peppercorns on his scalp and smiled crookedly.

              “So if your mom is Bajan, that means you’re Bajan too!”

              “Yeah, I guess…”

              I was still trying to play it cool and nonchalant. If I’d been chewing bubble gum, I would have smacked it, but I wasn’t and instead just licked my dry lips instead. I wasn’t attracted to the boy in particular, nor was I nervous about talking to the opposite sex in general, however, I could count the number of times I’d had a one-on-one conversation with a boy on one hand and have four fingers left over.

              My life up until this point involved frequent moves and a permanent sense of otherness. My family was, in fact, preparing to leave Hawaii for a three-year assignment in Japan. They weren’t sure when they’d be able to make it back to the Caribbean, so had decided to pay a parting visit to my mother’s parents. The boy’s simple assertion I was Bajan too, was the first time I could remember being claimed by any group. I was Bajan too! Joy crept over me like the afternoon sun forming a long rectangle on that cracked linoleum.


Amria Shea is a graduate of The Mountainview Low-Residency MFA in Fiction and Nonfiction. She lives in Oahu, Hawaii, where she operates Paradise Writinga community-based, full-service writing company that utilizes updated technology to assist clients from across the globe.

What Ambition Gets You

By Arun Chittur

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I was in Pennsylvania this past weekend for my mother-in-law’s surprise retirement party. She spent thirty years working for the school district, accruing a lifetime of stories from successive generations of parents and their children. The party was a clash of worlds, with friends from her high school graduating class meeting old co-workers and extended family who had traveled from across the Northeast. It was the first time I’d ever been to a party where everyone invited RSVP’d “yes.” Thirty-seven invitations sent; thirty-seven confirmed attending. Not even all-day rains dampened the afternoon as we congregated beneath two vinyl canopies and a detached garage. My in-laws’ backyard was crowded with cousins and siblings, toddlers and teenagers, family members by blood and marriage. One of my wife’s cousins and my brother-in-law dominated the ad hoc cornhole tournament. We enjoyed good beer, great barbecue, and an unspoken guarantee that no external force could ruin the experience.

           Last month I hit ten years with my company. I celebrated the expected but modest pay raise with a decision to leave in the next year and move on to pursue other life goals. Making it twenty years entitles you to a stable, if small, pension. As I’ve shared this with friends, they’ve split in their opinion.

           Some argued, “You’re halfway! What’s ten more?”

           Yet others said, “Ten more years? That’s a long time.”

           I’ve been leaning toward the latter for a while, especially with a company that focuses on pre-ordained patterns of progression after that all-important 10-year mark. And so this transition has me thinking about ambition … the kind we feel internally, and the kind foisted upon us by an organization grooming its next generation of managers for its own sake—at the expense of those closest to us who might wish for something else. A life where they see their husband or wife or father or mother more often. Many wish for something better.


"I’ve spent the better part of a year trying to articulate this lesson for myself. Ambition can be healthy, but mustn’t there be a purpose behind it? A reason beyond your own self-interest, your own self-promotion?"


My parents’ generation, wrapped snuggly in a blanket of stability, valued ambition. A desire to rise. Happiness meant a good education and the same job for decades. Predictable income and minimal risk. As a reluctant millennial, I’ve wavered between the safety of a stable, if flat, trajectory, and something more like a sine wave, with ups and down defined by risk and decisions made without a clear vision of the future. Many of our best memories have been born from the peaks and valleys, where we’ve lived and learned the most. None of these moments would’ve happened had I chosen ‘guaranteed’ success and opted for the stable route. The route with all of the questions answered and little left to guess. I don’t regret my last 10 years. But as I look across the backyard, I know that should I choose the stable path, I will accept the promise of a job at the expense of our best memories yet to be made.

           Under the canopy, no one talked about the latest project at work, or what it would take for the next promotion. Whatever ambition was fueling my current state of work, none of it had resulted in this moment. This moment owed no one else, it came to be because of family and friends who outlasted all of our careers and all of our moves. It came to be because it was based on what lasts. Ambition can get you a lot in a short period of time, but it will never provide for you what you need most to be fulfilled.

           I’ve spent the better part of a year trying to articulate this lesson for myself. Ambition can be healthy, but mustn’t there be a purpose behind it? A reason beyond your own self-interest, your own self-promotion? Otherwise what’s left after the experience of life ends? What will there be but the possessions of a life purchased and not lived?

           Ambition gets you money and notoriety: a nice car, a nice house, even a few acquaintances that will pass as friends in suitable moments. But it doesn’t get you the friends you’ve had since college, or cousins willing to drive hours to help you load and unload a moving truck, and certainly not a family that loves you. In the final calculation, ambition can only get you what’s temporary, what’s fleeting in reward.


Arun Chittur is a graduate of The Mountainview Low-Residency MFA in Fiction and Nonfiction. He currently teaches organizational leadership and pedagogy in Nevada.

Missed Treasure

By James Seals

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On a Monday morning, my girlfriend and I sat in my car, staring out the driver’s side window, scrutinizing a rainbow. No rain fell and the sun had abandoned the sky. But still, a rainbow appeared. I wondered what the phenomenon looked like to my girlfriend. Nationalgeographic.com (NG) states that every person sees their own rainbow because light bounces off raindrops and reflects at different angles so no two people see it exactly the same.

       I found the end of a rainbow, once, I said.

       My girlfriend’s big, brilliant eyes widened and her smile gleamed. Tell me, tell me, she said.

       One high school day when on the football field practicing, I noticed a rainbow inside a wooded area 100 yards away. A few of my teamates and I still believed in the old Irish leprechaun’s secret: a pot of gold waiting inside at the rainbow's end. I wanted those riches. We raced toward the gold. Our cleats flung dirt. A defensive linemen tossed an offensive player to the ground. A running back stiff-armed facemasks. I hurdled a diving player. Hoots resounded.

       I entered the woods first and stood within the rays--although NG says that nobody can ever reach the end of a rainbow because as you move the rainbow moves too. But I was inside of it. My friends told me so. I had no reason to disagree other than having failed to find riches. I had searched everywhere: I turned leaves; I flipped logs; I dug my fingernails deep into the black soil; I found no gold, no evidence of the German myth of God’s bowl--nor did I transform into a woman, as early Europeans believed happened when one passes beneath a rainbow.

       For years I felt annoyance; I was cheated out of treasure. How many people find the end of a rainbow? I had stood upon Greenland’s belief of the hem of God’s garment. I had stood in God’s promise that terrestrial life would never again be destroyed by flood (Genesis 9.13-15). I had destroyed insects’ homes within the gates opened by Saint Peter to allow another soul into heaven. But I have lived an emotional kind of hell without my treasure.


"My rainbow should have shown me how to make marriage my top priority: wife first, children second, work last. My rainbow should have told me to not keep score, to play with my partner, to forget ifs and buts."


The treasure that I really needed in high school was the knowledge of how to cope with my father. How to manage his swinging hands and slashing belts. How to hide the bruises and cuts. How to overcome his pushing, choking, grabbing, and kicking my mother and sisters. Today I can simply visit kidshealth.org to read: How to Handle Abuse. But that article has come too late for me as I now fight my own temptations to use these learned tactics.

       In early adulthood, I needed advice on ways to keep my first then second wife happy. My rainbow should have shown me how to make marriage my top priority: wife first, children second, work last. My rainbow should have told me to not keep score, to play with my partner, to forget ifs and buts. Men can visit menshealth.com for such advice: 8 Simple Ways to Make Your Marriage Last. Perhaps my wife would not have sought a better partner during our marriage if I had read that piece.

       Today, I wish my rainbow had taught me to deal with grief. There are about 644,000,000 web results that can assist in handling loss. I have struggled with the emotional suffering in being an absent father. I may never truly know my kids. They live in different parts of the country, near their mother. I have missed their first day of school--their first crush, dance, driver’s test. So much more. I know our distance is because of me. I have promised to make things right. But I have failed at that too. Though I have accepted all blame for our detachment, I still have bouts of sadness; I have tears. 

       On Saturday after scrutinizing the rainbow, I pondered my missed treasure. My conclusion: I hope nobody happens upon a pot of gold, some secrect stash of riches. I believe the absence of something material gave me the strength to deal with life events. Riches would have allowed for me to buy something to mask pain, like many people I know do. My treasure-less rainbow has forced me to grow. It has now become the same representation as the 16th-century German Peasants’ War rainbow flag: a sign of a new era, of hope, and of change.


James Seals is a graduate of The Mountainview Low-Residency MFA in Fiction and Nonfiction. He currently teaches adult education in Austin, Texas. 

Run

By Michael Farinola

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They run, through the silent night.  Not a sound in the void there is heard. 

They follow black and silent wings of two large and vigilant birds.

It's hard to know where the raven's fly, their path seems long ago set. 

Their beaks do not smile, their eyes do not laugh, their minds do not yield or repent.

The wolves vary a great deal in appearance, one is large and reasonably intent. 

Too large for a dog, too wild for a cage, his head remains playful but unbent.

The other is gaunt and starved, with bare muscle and exposed flesh does he run. 

His claws scar the earth, his breath draws the sky; his hunger would consume even the sun. 

Where go the ravens?  Why follow the wolves?  Why no sound as they silently run? 

What are they doing?  Who are they here for? 

Why, oh why, do they run?


Michael Farinola is a current degree candidate at The Mountainview Low Residency MFA in Fiction and Nonfiction.

Student Picks: Johnson

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Ashley Bales-- Denis Johnson spent his career writing “people who totaled their souls,” “Not bad people, not evil people, but actually storms of innocence. Deadheads telling their tears.” He explored “the violence inside a man.” He discussed death, ruminated on the psyche’s physical confinement within the body, within the strictures of society.  He was fascinated with the paired concepts of freedom and constraint and his characters tested the limits of these boundaries. He dismissed moral systems that would dehumanize his characters because of this struggle. In Already Dead, Johnson strings these ideas together in a meandering plot that serves as a scaffold for his most comprehensive exploration of the human experience as a struggle between the soul, society, and the physical world.

The characters in Already Dead inhabit a world of violence. Nelson Fairchild spends the book running from killers. His brother William is a recluse, attacked by rays coming through the air itself. Carl Van Ness is a weaponized body, his soul no longer present. When Nelson Fairchild is finally caught by the assassins pursuing him, his consciousness expands, his last moments become infinite, he lies on a beach dying and “[begins] to understand that he’d accomplished these innumerable journeys, so many and so involved he could hardly remember them, in a radius of three or four feet.”

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This exploration of what it means for a life to end continued throughout Johnson’s career. Nelson’s death is echoed in another of Johnson’s death scene, that of Link from his story “Triumph Over the Grave” in his posthumously published collection The Largesse of the Sea Maiden. The elderly and dying Link wakes to find himself in the wrong room. He steps outside, towards a gulley leading into “…the roaring extinction into which ocean, earth, and sky had disappeared.” Instead of heading towards this “roaring extinction,” Link “banked left, circled around the corner of the house to balance in front of his bedroom’s back door—situated about sixteen feet diagonally across this bedroom from the sliding doors he’d walked out of. The journey had covered thirty or forty paces and lasted under ninety seconds.”

In these passages, Johnson portrays the psychic life of an individual as infinitely large and uncontainable, yet lets it rest, like nesting dolls, within the increasingly limited confines of a life, a home, a body. As Fairchild and Link are on the verge of death, they experience unclear boundaries between the perception of their vast psychic world and their limited physical world. Over and over again, Johnson develops narrative tension in exploring a character’s psychic freedoms within a confining reality. But Johnson’s fascination with this contrast is not limited to explorations of confinement; he is equally interested in the limits of psychic freedom, explicitly explored in the drug addled narratives of Jesus’ Son and the soul hopping discussions of Already Dead.

Already Dead is a novel that is likely to polarize readers. There are long metaphysical and Nietzschean rants. Neslon Fairchild has more lives than your average cat and few characters are living by the end of the novel. The violence is extravagant and upsetting. The depiction of humanity is bleak. But for those who have ever felt alien within their bodies, felt their soul beating away at their insides, certainly anyone who wants to delve into Johnson’s deepest ruminations, it is essential reading.

Johnson’s exploration of these themes throughout his body of work does not leave you with a unified theory. He did not write from a rigid platform but as one searching—a searching that imbued his work with vibrancy—pulling meaning where he could find it. For those less inclined to Already Dead’s aggressions, “Triumph Over the Grave” offers a softer exploration, turning its attention not towards an individual’s struggle to live, but towards death’s dissolution of relationships and the pain of lost companionship. 

God Had Forsaken Me

by Mike Helsher

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Ron came to stay at my house for the weekend. We did all the things that 13-year-old boys did in the early 70’s. We went fishing, slept in a tent in the backyard, raided the fridge, and watched the afternoon Creature Double Feature show.

Come Sunday morning I was scheduled to perform my duty as an Altar boy. Ron knew nothing about the Catholic church. He asked me why I had to go. “My mother makes me do it, it’s just stupid!” I said.  “You have to sit there for an hour, and don’t fart on the benches!” I raised my eyebrows. I had done that once and it echoed through the cavernous sanctuary.

“And when everybody comes up front, you can’t,” I said. “Don’t come up for communion!”

“Why?”

“Because you haven’t been to confession. Because you’ll go to Hell if you do!” 

“Hell?”

“Yeah, Hell! So, don’t come up, Okay?”

Ron made an evil grin.

My mom dropped us off at the church. Ron sat in the back row of pews. I went to the prep-room and, as usual, Father Magainin didn't say a word to me. He was a tall man who looked like Lurch from The Addams Family. He would flip out on Altar boys that screwed up during a rehearsal. He hadn’t flipped out on me yet, though, because I made sure to get everything right. I took his silence as a good thing.

The Mass droned along until I looked to the back of the church to find Ron. He made a big dramatic yawn, leaned his head back and feigned sleep. I was a few seconds late pouring some wine; Father Magainin shot me a disgusted look. Ron began popping his head up and down behind the pew, making horror movie faces. I was waiting to hear the echo of compressed gas on his wooden bench during the silent moments, was relieved and disappointed when it didn’t happen. Thinking about farts made me miss my cue to ring the bells. Father Magainin scowled. His aura was penetrating. I decided to stop looking at Ron.

I had to hold a gold dish that looked like a shiny ping-pong paddle under the parishioners’ chins during communion, just in case the body of Christ might not stick to the end of someone's tongue. Father Magainin was sticking the wafers. We were almost to the end of the line of kneeling people when we came upon Ron, kneeling, grinning, holding his hands in prayer position. His eyes were big and glassy, staring past me, avoiding contact.

“The body of Christ,” said Father Magainin, as he had to everyone else. Ron was supposed to say, “amen,” and then stick out his tongue, to which Father Magainin would then stick the wafer. But he didn't say amen or stick out his tongue, instead, he just opened his mouth as wide as he could.

For ten long seconds, Ron’s mouth hung open like a begging baby bird in waiting. Father Magainin’s hand began to tremble with the body of Christ held delicately in his fingertips. I stopped breathing. My eyes shot back and forth from Ron’s gaping mouth, to the vibrating body of Christ until Father Magainin wound his fingers back, and flung the wafer like a frisbee, into Ron’s mouth.

My abdomen erupted. My cheeks puckered. I bit my lips together, but it was no use—laughter spit right through. 

Ron covered his mouth to keep from spitting out the body of Christ.

Father Magainin stared at us with awe and disgust stretching down the length of his long face. He turned to scan his flock, one-hundred churchgoers stared back.

“Stop it,” he whispered.

I couldn't.

“Stop!” he said, a little louder.

I bent over, clutched my belly. It was heaving so hard it hurt.

“Stop it!” he yelled, to which the nearby church-goers let out a gasp in unison.

The cold silence of God filled the church, and listened, as our laughter echoed off the sun-lit stained glass windows. Ron stood up, walked down the aisle, and on out the back door, laughing all the way. Father Magainin called the other Altar boy over, told me to go pray to the Virgin Mary for forgiveness. I pinched my mouth shut. I walked over to the statue, knelt down, looked up at the sad face of Mother Mary and tried to feel sorry, prayed for even an inkling of sorrow. But God had forsaken me.

I bowed my head, clasped my hands in prayer, and giggled out-of-control.


The Line

by Garrett Zecker

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"He taught us about food — but more importantly, about its ability to bring us together. To make us a little less afraid of the unknown."  - Barack Obama on Anthony Bourdain, June 8, 2018.

I knew I wasn’t right halfway through the sentence, “I haven’t known anyone directly that it happened to.” My girlfriend was silent beside me in the car. The specter of suicide and death can suck the air out of a conversation. “Well, except for Clark*. I forgot he was dead.” The specter du jour was the sudden and unexpected death of the chef and writer Anthony Bourdain.

My experience with Bourdain’s work mirrored a reality I was intimately familiar with. I slung drinks and barbecue on Boylston Street in Boston, and with every life change, I changed restaurants and moved further and further westward in the state. I plated pasta and uncorked wine, poured coffee and sliced pie, shook margaritas and shimmied chimichangas. There was an ‘I ate the worm’ club. There were t-shirts. Those years were humbling, exciting, exhausting. They were unsustainable.

When I first entered the industry, Bourdain’s book Kitchen Confidential had just come out. I took it out of the library. I devoured it, one of the first books that depicted my experience: chefs hopped up on coke to keep the plates flying, waiters and waitresses fucking on the bins holding food they’d serve to our customers, the horrors, the absolute horrors of rotting food behind the swinging doors, the constant opening and folding of restaurants, the dreams, the stress dreams, and the nightmares that accompanied what we all wanted to accomplish. Bourdain nailed it with his unapologetic, brutal, energetic presentation of it all. What’s more, Kitchen Confidential arose from a deal he got when he accomplished that single-random-slush-submission-to-fame New Yorker story that all writers fantasize about but few accomplish. His gritty, stained life was the life I romanticized about.

Bourdain was a virtuoso. He didn’t care what anyone thought.

I knew Clark from the gym. He was a kind, friendly man. We became acquaintances when we found out that we worked for the same school. He was a part-timer, and always sounded like he was hurting for money. We’d text each other occasionally, share writing. He showed me the photography he took with his flip phone. He’d confide in me a relationship he was having with a man who was married to a woman that never reciprocated his advances. He wouldn’t leave his wife. He confided his long legal battle with his landlord over affording his rent. Every Sunday he chopped firewood to earn money. His last six text messages were about earning enough money. He didn’t think school would ask him back to work part time in the fall.

A few months later, he was gone in a small fire he set as he was being evicted. Some friends organized a small memorial at a local restaurant to collect money for his funeral. Someone collected his remaining belongings, what wasn’t destroyed. We chatted about Clark’s thoughtful and selfless ways. Binders upon binders of his photography were recovered. He had an entire photography career in the eighties, taken not with a Motorola but on film. Beautiful pieces explored the body and nature. There were awards, magazine layouts. We were allowed to take some home to remember him by. Everything smelled of embers.

Clark was humble, but no less a virtuoso. From what I hear about Bourdain, he was just as kind, friendly, and true to those he loved.

Neither of these men’s stories are mine to tell. I only have one of their phone numbers and text messages still in my phone as if keeping them might evoke one last call or message from him. But they both brought me joy.

A chef's mise en place and prep area is called "the line," like war, like that thin knife's edge, so hard to see in in two dimensions. Sometimes, that line is so thin it’s invisible. 

 

*Some names have been changed for this story. If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).